Big Numbers

Number of DSs sold worldwide: 128,890,000.

Population of Japan: 127,380,000

You know how they always talk about robots becoming sentient and turning on you?  Yeah, I think we’re getting close to that day.

Keep your uchi locked, everyone.

-benjamines

Terrible Turdsday!

And now, it’s time once again for your favorite make-fun-of-crappy-games bit!  This week, we examine a REAL gem of a game.  Lemme tell ya.

This crappy NES game has a crappy NES name.  Well, actually, it’s more of a short story.

Chapter 1

Wizardy

Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord

The End

Personally, I like the name I gave it better: Gizzardry – Puking Clowns on the Bad Underwear.  That would have been a much better game, I assure you.

Let me show you what that would look like!

Look at that pretty dragon!

Remember those old text adventure games, where you have to type each command, like Go South or Get Rock or Break Wind?  Well, this game is pretty much like that, except, as you know, the NES controller has no keyboard.  Well, not much of one anyways.  I guess if your commands looked like BABSelectABBStartBBABBB, you’d be ok.  Fortunately for the universe, the game has several commands you can use!  Like LOOK!  Or like, TALK!  It’s so freakin’ AMAZAZING!!

In short, this game is stupid.  Don’t buy it.  Don’t play it.  Don’t look at it.

For the record, I didn’t buy the game.  Some dirtbag mugger guy gave it to me.  Stinkin’ weirdy.

Pros:

• Makes a great coaster!
• It’s not Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball
• Makes ET for Atari look fantastic

Cons:

• Must you ask?

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased:

Didn't expect that...

So, apparently, some franchises are too popular to not make video games out of.

Here's the official trailer for an upcoming PC/DS game.  You can form your own opinion about it.



So I guess we'll see.  It's hard to get excited about movie/TV show-based games because they almost always suck.  I hope they prove me wrong, cause I love this show.

-benjamines

Nintendo News: May 05, 2010

So apparently, everyone’s favorite oddball little brother Luigi will be playable in Super Mario Galaxy 2.  You could play as Luigi in the first one, but not until you beat the game as Mario.  This time, you can switch between Mario and Luigi on certain levels, and he can use all of the same powers that Mario can.  It’s not quite co-op, but still pretty cool.  That guy’s got mad hops. [via Kotaku]

The newest entry in the Metroid series, Other M, has been delayed and will hit stores on about August 31st.  The game is closer to the original 2D-style Metroid games, and is played primarily by holding the Wii remote sideways.  There are also some first-person sections thrown in.  The game has been promised to delve deeper in Samus’ largely unknown story.  And for all you timeline buffs, the game takes place between Super Metroid (SNES) and Metroid Fusion (GBA).

Namco has announced that the next big Pac-Man evolution will be unveiled at E3 in June.  This will coincide with the pellet-eating orb’s 30th anniversary.  Expect announcements for games on every console and game-esque device on the planet. [via Joystiq]

-benjamines

Nintendo News: May 04, 2010

Happy Tuesday!  Time for some newsday!

A couple of years ago, some of the folks at Retro Studios (makers of the fantastic Metroid Prime games) left and formed a new studio called Armature.  Well, now they’ve announced that there’s a new big game in the works with an unannounced publisher.  So, I guess it’s not much news, but it is interesting! [via 1up]

Nintendo releases its earnings report for fiscal 2009 on Thursday.  In it, earnings are expected to fall.  Some of the suits claim that this is due to poor 2010 sales thus far and the Wii price cut.  Either way, they’re still projected to report about $2.43 billion in profits (down from $2.95 billion).  So yeah… they’re still ok. [via Joystiq]
[Note: Nintendo’s fiscal year runs from April 1 to March 31 of the next year.]

On that note, Reggie Fils-Aime, Nintendo’s hard-ball President, announced that the Wii has sold 5 million units since January 1.  That’s more than the PS3 and Xbox 360 have sold in the last year... combined!  He also said that since Netflix launched on the Wii a few weeks ago, nearly 1 million new customers have signed on.  Sounds like Nintendo is ridin’ high… still. [via Edge]

-benjamines

New Games for May

It’s official: this year is gonna be awesome.  This month sees the release of some fantastic new must-play games.  Let’s get to it!

Nintendo's flagship franchise is making a return on the Wii!  Super Mario Galaxy 2 is releasing on May 23rd!  It's the sequel to the incredible Mario Galaxy.  For those unfamiliar (and I pity you), it's a 3-D game in the style of Mario 64, but you're in space!  Each planet has different gravity, enemies, and obstacles.  It's an enormously varied environment, full of surprises and twists and of course, fun.  Don't forget all of Mario's new powers (drill, cloud, etc).  Plus, this time Mario's faithful dinosaur friend Yoshi makes an appearance.  Can't wait!

Trauma Team is the next release in the hit Trauma Center series.  Play as a doctor and help save lives from all kinds of problems and diseases, both natural and man-made.  This game adds a new twist by letting you play as 6 different specialists, including diagnosis, surgery, and forensics.  It's all the trauma center fun with a bunch of new and cool abilities!  Look for it around May 18th.

Also releasing this month are a few movie based games, such as Iron Man 2 and Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands.  Don't hold your breath on Iron Man, but Prince of Persia might be ok.  They've been pretty good in the past.

Well, that's all the good ones.  Stay tuned for more news on upcoming games, especially with E3 coming next month!

-benjamines

Nintendo News: May 03, 2010

Here’s a rundown of what’s been happening today in the Nintendo universe!

It’s official: North America is getting the black Wii!  Plus, it’s a sweet deal!  You get the Wii Console, all the cables and accessories, 1 Wii remote, 1 nunchuck, 1 Motion Plus, Wii Sports, AND Wii Sports Resort, all for $200!  It’s a fantastic deal!  Look for it starting May 9th. [via Joystiq]

The Cubs Scouts of America are now offering a badge for… yes, video games.  Unbelievable, really!  I’d have certainly had my Eagle if they had badges like that when I was a kid.  Anyways, the badge is more about responsible gaming (checking ratings, price comparisons, time restrictions), so it may not be all that fun.  But it’s nice to see organizations embrace gaming rather than blame the world’s troubles on it. [via Kotaku]

There’s a rumor circulating that GameCrazy is closing all of its stores.  Well, you know what store closings mean… liquidation!  All stores are expected (although it’s not official yet) to start liquidation sometime in the next two weeks. [via Joystiq]

Well, that’s about the gist of it.  Stay tuned for (semi) daily news updates!

-benjamines

Review: WarioWare D.I.Y.

For those not familiar with the WarioWare series, let me enlighten your unfortunate brains. It’s basically a set of 5-second microgames that run in quick succession. For example, the first game has you aiming a golf ball toward the hole. If you sink it, you win the game and move on to the next one. If you miss, you lose a life. The next might be aiming a finger directly up a prominent nostril. The longer you go, the faster the games become. Once you lose 4 lives, it’s over.

Yeah, I know. Sounds insane. And by all accounts, it is. Since the first WarioWare game for GBA released back in 2003, there have been literally hundreds of different microgames released across all of Nintendo’s platforms. And now, that number has literally exploded, since the latest WarioWare game lets you make your own games! Make your own characters, animations, and music and let the fun begin! Granted, it can take some time to make a really solid game, but it’s quite literally one billion times easier (for most people) than having to do the programming yourself.

The game also comes with about 90 microgames for you to play. Plus, if you think a game needs some work, or just want to the copy the structure or music or art, you can do that, too! There are also some games that only lack some drawings, so sketch in some stuff, and you’re done!  And if that weren’t enough, the game comes with a song creator and a comics creator, so you can make full-length tunes and fun comics. You can also go online and download new games from Nintendo or any of your friends.

So, in short, the game lets you make your own stinking games (some of which will likely be stinky), music, and comics. What fun! And don’t worry; there are plenty of tutorials and tips, so even if you don’t have game design experience, you’ll be a top super game maker in no time! That being said, go out and buy the game and make some stuff! We can even share, dangit! Ok, bye!

Pros:

• Make almost any kind of microgame you want!
• Custom music and art!
• Free downloads every week!

Cons:

• You can’t quite make ANYTHING
• No custom sounds
• Can be a little difficult to learn

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased:




Here’s a clip from a game I made from scratch.  I even entered it into a contest and won a $50 prize package!  Enjoy!

Mondownloaday Returns!

Herro!!  Today marks another week of (possibly) cool and fun games for your Nintendo systems!  Let’s get to it!

• Zombie Panic in Wonderland (Akaoni Studio, 1 - 2 players, 1,000 Wii Points): Wonderland is in crisis, what with a recent infestation of the undead. Choose from seven different playable characters as you work toward solving the mystery of the "scented dwarves." ... wait, really?
  
• Kung Fu Funk: Everybody is Kung Fu Fighting! (Stickmen Studios, 1 - 4 players, 500 Wii Points): This party game is themed around those '70s kung-fu movies, and spans three modes and several minigames.

Sorry!  No Virtual Console Games this week!

• BLOONS (Hands-On Mobile, 1 player, 500 DSi Points): It's a puzzle game where you pop balloons -- err, bloons.
  
• Sokomania (CINEMAX, 1 player, 200 DSi Points): In Sokomania, players are tasked with moving crates around a game board, earning points for completing each puzzle in the fewest moves possible.
  
• Bounce & Break (Enjoy Gaming Ltd., 1 player, 500 DSi Points): This aptly titled Arkanoid clone features four different universes comprised of four seasons each.
  
• 1001 Crystal Mazes Collection (Teyon, 1 player, 500 DSi Points): Described as a "jewel logic game," it has players moving jewel pieces around a maze game board.
  
• Crazy Golf (dtp entertainment AG, 1 - 4 players, 500 DSi Points): Not to be confused with that regular golf you fall asleep watching on Sunday afternoons, this version features seven different courses (each including six different holes) and throws a variety of obstacles at you. It's so crazy, you literally play golf on somebody's desk.

Well, there ya go!  If you see something you like, go on an’ buy it, goll dernit!  Now go play some games!

-benjamines

Retro Sunday!

Hello all! Today you get a new weekly feature at pretty much the only good blog on the internet. That’s right, it’s Retro Sunday! One of my favorite Sunday activities is to play an old-school game of some kind. Let’s begin!

As you know, the Mario universe took a strange turn in 1988. That was the release of Super Mario Bros. 2. This game was entirely different than its predecessor. There were all-new enemies and bosses, you could pick veggies (and other things) out of the ground and throw them at enemies, and each player had different abilities. You could play as Mario, Luigi, Toad, or Princess Toadstool. Mario was an all-around character, Luigi could jump super-high, Toad could run and pick veggies faster than anyone, and Peach could float for a short time. The levels all had a sort of Middle Eastern feel to them.

An odd mix, to be sure, but it certainly works. It’s a fantastic game that has since had a huge impact on the Mario universe. After all, this game saw the invention of the now-popular Shy Guy, among other characters.

For those who don’t know, SMB2 didn’t actually start as a Mario game. It was called Doki Doki Panic, and it was about an Arabian family of four, each with different abilities. When Nintendo of America decided not to sell the real Super Mario Bros. 2 (because it was insanely hard, also known here in the USA as the lost levels), they picked up Doki Doki Panic and changed the characters to Mario ones and sold it. The game achieved great success and has since been re-released in various forms.

I like the game so much because you can play as Toad, pretty much the best video game character of all time! Plus, he’s the fastest runner and veggie-picker of them all (although he can’t jump very high).

So, if you don’t have the game, go power up the Wii and download it. It’s only $5 and it’s completely worth it! Or if you have a GBA or NES or SNES, you could find Mario Advance or the original cartridge or Super Mario All-Stars and play it that way, too! Either way, it’s as great a game now as it was when it was released, and is still a joy to play. In fact, I think I’ll go play it right now. Enjoy!

-benjamines

EDIT: I just beat the entire game. I didn't use any Warp Zones, either. Took me a couple of hours or so. Also, I had H4 lives left. You read that right. I think that translates into about 174. So yeah. Fun times!