It's Real! The Atari Landfill is Real!

Like some strange twist out of a [rare good] M. Night Shyamalan movie, it turns out that what we thought was impossible is actually real.

The Atari landfill exists.

In 1983, beleaguered Atari dumped thousands [some say millions] of Atari games in the desert. Why?

Because they sucked.

Terrible Turdsday!

And now, it’s time once again for your favorite make-fun-of-crappy-games bit!  This week, we examine a REAL gem of a game.  Lemme tell ya.

This crappy NES game has a crappy NES name.  Well, actually, it’s more of a short story.

Chapter 1

Wizardy

Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord

The End

Personally, I like the name I gave it better: Gizzardry – Puking Clowns on the Bad Underwear.  That would have been a much better game, I assure you.

Let me show you what that would look like!

Look at that pretty dragon!

Remember those old text adventure games, where you have to type each command, like Go South or Get Rock or Break Wind?  Well, this game is pretty much like that, except, as you know, the NES controller has no keyboard.  Well, not much of one anyways.  I guess if your commands looked like BABSelectABBStartBBABBB, you’d be ok.  Fortunately for the universe, the game has several commands you can use!  Like LOOK!  Or like, TALK!  It’s so freakin’ AMAZAZING!!

In short, this game is stupid.  Don’t buy it.  Don’t play it.  Don’t look at it.

For the record, I didn’t buy the game.  Some dirtbag mugger guy gave it to me.  Stinkin’ weirdy.

Pros:

• Makes a great coaster!
• It’s not Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball
• Makes ET for Atari look fantastic

Cons:

• Must you ask?

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased:

Terrible Turdsday!

That's right, friends, it's time for a new weekly feature. Terrible Turdsday! I will share with you a game that is quite literally a turd crammed inside a cartridge. You'll NEVER guess what this week's...

BILL LAIMBEER'S COMBAT BASKETBALL!!! That's what it is. The biggest turd in the history of gaming. It is the Sultan of Suck. The King of Krap. The Worst. Game. Ever.

I have nothing against Bill Laimbeer. It's likely that he had nothing to do with this game at all, other than he got a big bag of money for having his name on the box. I think he'd probably be spinning in his high-back chair if he knew what kind of game was made.* Maybe that's what drove him to coach in the WNBA...

In any case, this game is terrible (or as Charles Barkley would say, trrible). In fact, if this game was called benjamines' combat basketball, I'd probably kill myself. As you can see, the shot at the right is blurry. I did that on purpose to save you from the nightmares that a high-resolution screenshot would inevitably induce.

Let's start with the pacing of the game. Imagine for a moment that you have a remote control that can slow down the planet and everything on it. Now imagine some thugs come and tie you to a chair, which they then tie to a big rock which they then throw into the ocean which then sinks. While you're sinking, they set the remote control to "Slowest Possible Speed Without Being Stopped" and then they break it. Now let 5 extremely slow minutes go by. NOW you know how fast this game is.

Let's talk about perspective. SNES games obviously don't have the hardware to do true 3D, but games like Looney Tunes B-Ball and NBA Jam (probably the two best B-Ball games ever) use a sideline perpective, like on the TV, so you can see most of the court and any time. Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball is a top-down game. So, you can see the top of people's heads. And the giant shoulder pads of the ridiculous robot suits they're wearing. Oh, and you can see the ball get bigger and then smaller when somebody shoots. Riveting.

As far as sound goes, I fortunately have been able to block out all the horrible 'music' and 'sounds' from my memory, so I can sleep at night. If anyone ever ties you to a chair and points a gun to your head and makes you play this game, you'd better go on and burst your eardrums. Trust me. It's for your own good.

All in all, it's a terrible game. Never play it. If you ever find a copy, do the world a favor and run over it with your car a few times. I swear to you, I had (slightly) more fun playing Barbie's Adventure for NES than I did 'playing' this 'game.' The game.com internet cartridge, which does not work and I have never used, is more fun than this. Honest!

Pros:

• Seriously?

Cons:

• Slow
  
• Stupid
  
• Lame
• Awful
• Stinky
• Repugnant
• Suicide Inducer
• Terrorism
• A yellow handbag
  

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased (and totally accurate):






This is the lowest score ever recieved on Blatant Bias. And it is well-deserved.

See ya next Turdsday!

* He's not dead. After this game, he might have wished he was, though.

Egglection?

Well, Election Day is over and there are some interesting results. We are now an Obama-nation as Barack Insane Obama was elected. I don't really know why. In my mind, he was the Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball among presidential candidates. Additionally, Proposition 8 passed in California. To bring this rainbow of emotions to light, let's discuss some same-genre marriages of video games that didn't work out.

Shaquille O'Neal (Manly) + Kung Fu (Manly): Everyone knows that Shaq used to be the coolest player in the NBA. He was huge, he was tall, he was just plain manly. And Kung Fu has always been manly. I mean, come on, what could be manlier than ripping someone's heart out of their chest with your bare hand. But then... what happens when they combine?

Ok, so take the best parts of Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, and Clayfighter, and everything that's left over basically amounts to Shaq Fu. There aren't even any original characters. You have some weird Jack the Ripper-ish feller, and the rest are your garden variety fight game crew. Gaaaaaaaame of the year. Not.

Firefighters (Manly) + Explosions (Manly): So, there actually are Firefighting games that are fun and entertaining. I mean, seriously. Firefighters are just plain cool. And explosions? It pretty much doesn't get any manlier than that. And then there's The Ignition Factor.

This civil union of two manly styles makes for one classic(ly crappy) SNES game. It gives you the chance to see what it would be like to save people from a burning mannequin factory. I kid you not. There are people dying, but 90% of the silhouettes turn out to be plastic people. Homo. Sapiens. Made of plastic.

Barbie (Girly) + Fairies, Princesses, etc. (Girly): Girls have a right to have girly things. That's why McDonald's has their Barbie/Hot Wheels happy meals so every kid can be happy. If they want Barbies, that's fine. They can have their Hello Kitty. Disney Princess? Ok. But anytime you start adding girly to girly, it just makes a mess. Imagine planting a flower inside of another flower. Let me know how that turns out for you.

To be honest, most girl video games are just plain retarded (Julie Find A Way, anyone?) And the Barbie NES game (pictured) is probably tougher to beat than most games, purely because of poor design. But to be fair, there are some games that take one part girly and one part manly and it turns out great. Super Princess Peach, for example. One part girly (Princess Peach, girly to the max), and one part manly-platforming action, and POOF! Pure awesome. Most other girl games don't hold back on the sugar and spice. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaateway to depression, to be sure.

For the record, anything with Bratz in it automatically qualifies as gaaaaaaang violence and should not be used by anyone.

Donkey Kong (Manly) + Pest Control (Manly): As far as video game characters go, Donkey Kong is about as manly as they come. I mean, the guy wears a tie for goodness sake. And don't forget he can play the bongos better than any simian out there. But then, one day, he stumbled onto the territory of the Orkin man.

Donkey Kong 3 was much different than any other DK game. Instead of controlling Mario, you were a strapping young lad with a bug spray gun. Somehow, this is useful in keeping giant gorillas at bay. And... that's about all you do. Don't get me wrong, I love Donkey Kong games. Just not this one. Any game where you spray someone in the butt with harsh chemicals sounds pretty gay to me.

Basketball (Manly) + Robots (Manly): You all knew this was coming. A perfect example of why same-genre video game marriages don't work. And don't give me all this 'Every game is equal' crap. One look at Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball should turn every game straight. I don't even know why I have to explain it. It's like explaining why poop stinks.

For those unfamiliar (consider yourselves lucky), Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball involves extremely slow and clunky basketball action with extremely slow and clunky robot suits. Imagine trying to play tennis in six feet of snow, wearing an entire suit of medieval armor. That would be about 3 times faster and 12 times funner than this game. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaping wound on my brain.

For a finer look at these and other cream-of-the-crap games, go here. In the meantime, I'ma go wash the stink outta my nose.

-benjamines

Currently Playing: Worms 3D, Wii Fit, Smash Bros. Brawl

Burfday Leest

Hooray for me! I'm getting old and gray! And to celebrate, my friends are family are going to reward me with all manner of gifts, cakes, and witty jabs and clever put-downs. So, to celebrate my fastly approaching prostate problems, I have compiled a short list of games from way-back yonder, before the dawn of motion controls and touch screens.

Quite obviously, the first game I remember playing is Super Mario Bros. for the good ol' NES. Never since (and likely never again) has a game sold over 40 million copies. Unreal. But there's a reason for its glory. Atari was starting go downhill, and people began to think that video games were just a fad. And they nearly were. Until Nintendo stepped onto the scene. Nintendo's innovative style, mixed with inspired game designers such as Shigeru Miyamoto, took the entire world by storm. And Super Mario Bros. was the flagship that ushered in said storm. I can still remember my older's brother voice screaming "We got Nintendo" on Christmas morning, as my younger brother smiled, but had no idea what was happening. A glorious day indeed.

The next great game I remember was Ducktales for NES. I got it for my birthday one year, and I loved it (and still do). It was a great game based on my favorite TV Show at the time. But Ducktales isn't just cool because it's based on a cartoon. It's cool because it's well made. The level designs are well done, but not hard figure out. The controls and tight and intuitive, and the music and sounds are nicely orchestrated. It's a gem of a game.

Unfortunately for me, things went a little downhill from there. My Mom told me to pick a game from (I think) the Sears catalog. After browsing the titles, I decided that Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde was the one for me. After playing for several minutes, I was a little discouraged. Even today, I can't get much further than a couple of minutes in. I mean, seriously, when the entire world is out to kill you and the only weapon you have is a walking stick that only kills bees. Bees?! Seriously?! Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde was one of the worst-designed games of the NES era. More recently though, bigger travesties such as Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball and Halo 2 have made the game shine ever-so-slightly brighter. Kinda like how chocolate makes a caesar salad taste a little better.

The next game I owned was actually from a trade I made with a friend. He had Tetris, and I had Ducktales. I had played Ducktales hundreds of times (literally) and was ready for some new game fun. So we traded games. Tetris is a lot of fun. It's not Ducktales fun, but it's pretty fun. But after a few years, I felt myself longing for the sweet sound of hitting monkeys with rocks and cane-stomping giant rats. So, we traded the games back. Actually, now that I think about it, I somehow ended up with both games. Weird. Oh well. I'm not complaining.

Anyways, I think that's probably enough rambling and brambling for today. I shall now go and eat the miniature loaf of banana bread that my wife made for me. The secret ingredient is love!

-benjamines

Currently Excited For: PRESENTS!!

Welcome Back!

Sorry about the delay, Biased Fans! But fear not! I am returned!

This past week has been absolutely crazy! The new semester started, so there have been about a billion students coming in and needing help getting their wireless configuration working. But now that I'm not working 40 hours (cause I'm in school), I should have time to sneak in my blogs while the teachers blather on.

Well, he last week has been fun. Wario Land for Virtual Boy showed up, so I had a good time playing that one. Wario Land is amazing. In fact, there's a fantastic new one that comes out on the 22nd for the Wii. It's even hand-drawn for some amazing 2-d fun!

But despite all the great games I've been playing, there will always be crappy ones. Case in point, a week or two ago, I had the privilege (read: misfortune) of playing the epically terrible ET for Atari 2600. All I have to say is wow. Total. Crapfest. But as bad as it was, I have played worse games. So here are some crappy games that I own.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (NES): Doesn't he look delicious? This was the second game that I ever had for my very own. I believe it was a birthday present. I even picked it myself, cause it sounded cool. And while the first few minutes were ok, it never got much more playing time than that. It's not that it's stupid, it's just that it's hard. I mean, there are old men who leave bombs in random places. There are dogs who chase cats and both of them hurt you as they run by. And don't forget the birds who fly by and drop cinnamon-roll sized turds on you. But you have a weapon. A cane. And you can use it on one thing. A bee. And that's all. This game sucks.



The Ignition Factor (SNES): One time, I was playing someone's SNES and they had this great game called The Firemen. At the time, I couldn't remember what it was called. So when I saw a fire-fighting game at CD World, I bought it, hoping it was the right one. Alas, it was the McDonald's to The Firemen's Wendy's. While the concept is cool, the game itself is simply retarded. I'm gonna be honest... I had way more fun letting everyone burn to death than fo through the tedium of saving their annoying hineys.




Resident Evil 2 (Game.com): Tiger's Game.com was a semi-decent attempt at a game boy. The commercial showed Duke Nukem talking! And he does! But that's about as far as the system capabilities take it. Resident Evil 2 takes everything that's great about the franchise... and throws it in the toilet. Take, for example, the screenshot at left. Frightening. The first level involves you wrestling away several zombies who cling to your head and make the same stupid sound effect until you're dead. I think you actually die from deafness before they manage to sonar their way into your brain. Stupid zombies.


Fighter's Megamix (Game.com): I could put just about any Game.com game on here and it would fit. They mostly all sucked. Fighter's Megamix is one of those games that sucks so hard, it could put a hickey in a chrome bumper. You can play as characters from various Sega fighting games, plus the addition of characters from non-fighting Sega games. Like the car from Virtua Cop. No, I'm serious. You play as a dang car. And don't bother trying to figure out what's going on. With a staggering 2 frames of animation for every character, you better take a break every 2 or 3 minutes to keep the screen from getting burned in. Oh, did I mention the game sucks?


Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball (SNES): Ok, so I don't actually own this game, but I just had to put in on here, because in my opinion, it's the worst game ever made. The cream of the crap, if you will. With the success of NBA Jam, other companies started trying to make basketball even more extreme. Then some idiot with a .20 blood alcohol level suggested robots. Come on, seriously? But they weren't just robots. They were people in robot suits. Wow. The cleverness (or lack thereof) is simply astounding. I think that's where the creative process ended. Because the game plays from an over head view. See, that can work, in a game like Gauntlet. But basketball? Really? Oh, and because everyone has a robot suit, don't bother trying to actually, you know, run. Expect to score no more than 4 points per quarter.

Well, there you go friends. Avoid these games at all costs. Or even better, buy them and show your friends so they can further cement in their mind your status as a total nerd.

Have a crappy game? Let us know in the comments!

-benjamines

Currently Wanting to Play: Looney Tunes B-Ball, Smash Bros. Brawl, Mario Super Sluggers