Burfday Leest

Hooray for me! I'm getting old and gray! And to celebrate, my friends are family are going to reward me with all manner of gifts, cakes, and witty jabs and clever put-downs. So, to celebrate my fastly approaching prostate problems, I have compiled a short list of games from way-back yonder, before the dawn of motion controls and touch screens.

Quite obviously, the first game I remember playing is Super Mario Bros. for the good ol' NES. Never since (and likely never again) has a game sold over 40 million copies. Unreal. But there's a reason for its glory. Atari was starting go downhill, and people began to think that video games were just a fad. And they nearly were. Until Nintendo stepped onto the scene. Nintendo's innovative style, mixed with inspired game designers such as Shigeru Miyamoto, took the entire world by storm. And Super Mario Bros. was the flagship that ushered in said storm. I can still remember my older's brother voice screaming "We got Nintendo" on Christmas morning, as my younger brother smiled, but had no idea what was happening. A glorious day indeed.

The next great game I remember was Ducktales for NES. I got it for my birthday one year, and I loved it (and still do). It was a great game based on my favorite TV Show at the time. But Ducktales isn't just cool because it's based on a cartoon. It's cool because it's well made. The level designs are well done, but not hard figure out. The controls and tight and intuitive, and the music and sounds are nicely orchestrated. It's a gem of a game.

Unfortunately for me, things went a little downhill from there. My Mom told me to pick a game from (I think) the Sears catalog. After browsing the titles, I decided that Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde was the one for me. After playing for several minutes, I was a little discouraged. Even today, I can't get much further than a couple of minutes in. I mean, seriously, when the entire world is out to kill you and the only weapon you have is a walking stick that only kills bees. Bees?! Seriously?! Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde was one of the worst-designed games of the NES era. More recently though, bigger travesties such as Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball and Halo 2 have made the game shine ever-so-slightly brighter. Kinda like how chocolate makes a caesar salad taste a little better.

The next game I owned was actually from a trade I made with a friend. He had Tetris, and I had Ducktales. I had played Ducktales hundreds of times (literally) and was ready for some new game fun. So we traded games. Tetris is a lot of fun. It's not Ducktales fun, but it's pretty fun. But after a few years, I felt myself longing for the sweet sound of hitting monkeys with rocks and cane-stomping giant rats. So, we traded the games back. Actually, now that I think about it, I somehow ended up with both games. Weird. Oh well. I'm not complaining.

Anyways, I think that's probably enough rambling and brambling for today. I shall now go and eat the miniature loaf of banana bread that my wife made for me. The secret ingredient is love!

-benjamines

Currently Excited For: PRESENTS!!

Welcome Back!

Sorry about the delay, Biased Fans! But fear not! I am returned!

This past week has been absolutely crazy! The new semester started, so there have been about a billion students coming in and needing help getting their wireless configuration working. But now that I'm not working 40 hours (cause I'm in school), I should have time to sneak in my blogs while the teachers blather on.

Well, he last week has been fun. Wario Land for Virtual Boy showed up, so I had a good time playing that one. Wario Land is amazing. In fact, there's a fantastic new one that comes out on the 22nd for the Wii. It's even hand-drawn for some amazing 2-d fun!

But despite all the great games I've been playing, there will always be crappy ones. Case in point, a week or two ago, I had the privilege (read: misfortune) of playing the epically terrible ET for Atari 2600. All I have to say is wow. Total. Crapfest. But as bad as it was, I have played worse games. So here are some crappy games that I own.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (NES): Doesn't he look delicious? This was the second game that I ever had for my very own. I believe it was a birthday present. I even picked it myself, cause it sounded cool. And while the first few minutes were ok, it never got much more playing time than that. It's not that it's stupid, it's just that it's hard. I mean, there are old men who leave bombs in random places. There are dogs who chase cats and both of them hurt you as they run by. And don't forget the birds who fly by and drop cinnamon-roll sized turds on you. But you have a weapon. A cane. And you can use it on one thing. A bee. And that's all. This game sucks.



The Ignition Factor (SNES): One time, I was playing someone's SNES and they had this great game called The Firemen. At the time, I couldn't remember what it was called. So when I saw a fire-fighting game at CD World, I bought it, hoping it was the right one. Alas, it was the McDonald's to The Firemen's Wendy's. While the concept is cool, the game itself is simply retarded. I'm gonna be honest... I had way more fun letting everyone burn to death than fo through the tedium of saving their annoying hineys.




Resident Evil 2 (Game.com): Tiger's Game.com was a semi-decent attempt at a game boy. The commercial showed Duke Nukem talking! And he does! But that's about as far as the system capabilities take it. Resident Evil 2 takes everything that's great about the franchise... and throws it in the toilet. Take, for example, the screenshot at left. Frightening. The first level involves you wrestling away several zombies who cling to your head and make the same stupid sound effect until you're dead. I think you actually die from deafness before they manage to sonar their way into your brain. Stupid zombies.


Fighter's Megamix (Game.com): I could put just about any Game.com game on here and it would fit. They mostly all sucked. Fighter's Megamix is one of those games that sucks so hard, it could put a hickey in a chrome bumper. You can play as characters from various Sega fighting games, plus the addition of characters from non-fighting Sega games. Like the car from Virtua Cop. No, I'm serious. You play as a dang car. And don't bother trying to figure out what's going on. With a staggering 2 frames of animation for every character, you better take a break every 2 or 3 minutes to keep the screen from getting burned in. Oh, did I mention the game sucks?


Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball (SNES): Ok, so I don't actually own this game, but I just had to put in on here, because in my opinion, it's the worst game ever made. The cream of the crap, if you will. With the success of NBA Jam, other companies started trying to make basketball even more extreme. Then some idiot with a .20 blood alcohol level suggested robots. Come on, seriously? But they weren't just robots. They were people in robot suits. Wow. The cleverness (or lack thereof) is simply astounding. I think that's where the creative process ended. Because the game plays from an over head view. See, that can work, in a game like Gauntlet. But basketball? Really? Oh, and because everyone has a robot suit, don't bother trying to actually, you know, run. Expect to score no more than 4 points per quarter.

Well, there you go friends. Avoid these games at all costs. Or even better, buy them and show your friends so they can further cement in their mind your status as a total nerd.

Have a crappy game? Let us know in the comments!

-benjamines

Currently Wanting to Play: Looney Tunes B-Ball, Smash Bros. Brawl, Mario Super Sluggers