Flaaash Gaaame Fraaadaaay!

I know that everyone reading this post has at one time or another wanted to attach rocket boosyers to a shopping cart and take it off a huge jump. Well, now's your chance!

The game is called Shopping Cart Hero! Start with a regular shopping cart. Then, earn money by flying high and far. Use that money to by better wheels, tricks, and of course, totally unsafe rocket propulsion systems. Click here to play! Happy Carting!

-benjamines

Currently Playing: CrossWorDS, Okami, Polarium Advance

Terrible Turdsday!

That's right, friends, it's time for yet another day for putting down terrible games. Today, we take stabs (no pun intended) at Resident Evil 2 for Game.com, the system which I can guarantee you we will be seeing more of as time goes on.

The Game.com was kind of like Tiger's attempt at making something that was better than those old LCD games, but not quite as good as the Game Boy. Clearly, this logic has flaws in and of itself. In any case, it did have some features that hadn't been seen in previous game systems. Most notable is the touch screen, although it is far less efficient and usuable than touch screens on systems like the DS. Also, it had two game slots, so you could carry two games with you at any time. I actually kind of liked this idea.

But that's about as far as good things go for the system. It was riddled with problems and terrible games. Since the screen is a passive LCD, it takes a split second for each animation frame to appear, making it difficult to see, especially if anything was moving faster than about 2 frames per second. The music is terrible. I don't know what they were thinking, but in game music consists of melodies that are even less exciting than LCD games. Weird. Also, the graphics processor was basically non-existent, meaning all the games were bound to suck.

One of the worst culprits is Resident Evil 2. Now, I've never played any other resident evil games, but considering they consistently sell in the millions, I'm sure they're better than this one. Naturally, horror games like Resident Evil need creepy music and dark scenes to make a scary mood happen. Consider that impossible on the good ol* Game.com. Also, remember that movement becomes nearly impossible, not only because of the graphics processor (or lack thereof), but because the second a zombie grabs onto you, you're pretty much stuck there. Genius.

One of the selling points of the Game.com was it's "voice power." Basically, they gave it a way to play sound samples, so you could have realistic voice samples or sound effects. Unfortunately, the cartridges were very limited in size, so apparently they only had enough room for 1 sound effect for zombies. So expect to hear the same sound. Over. And over. And over...

In short, this game is terrible. I think I would actually rather fight actual zombies than play this game all the way through. And just so you know I'm not making this game up, here's a YouTube video to prove its sad existence.

Cons:

• It's terrible
• Way too slow
• Repetitive sound effects

Pros:

• It's not Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball
  

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased:

*By 'good ol', I mean it's good that it's so old, so no kids are subjected to its terrors.

Free Is Awesome!

Guess what, everyone! You can download a free game! And it's fun! So hop to it already!

From now until February 28th, you can download Episode 4 of Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People for free! All you have to do is sign up for Telltale Games' newsletter here! Note that this only applies to the PC version, but still, it's free, so hop to it! Then, once you realize how fun it is, get out there and buy the other episodes on WiiWare!

In case you didn't know, Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People is a WiiWare/PC point-and-click adventure game. You run around and make fun of people, you check e-mails, you make more fun of people... That alone should be enough to convince you to buy the game. There are five episodes total, all of which are now available on WiiWare at 1000 points a pop.

So what are you waiting for? Get checkin' those e-mails!

-benjamines

Currently Playing: SBCG4AP Episode 3, Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney, CrossWorDS

DSi Want One!

It's official! Nintendo has announced that the DSi will be available to consumers on April 5th. It plays all DS games, plus includes the added features of a built-in web browser, slightly larger screens, and two cameras. Yup, it now has two screens AND two cameras. One is on the outside and one is on the inside hinge. Should be interesting. Also, it has a DS Shop, which is like the Wii Shop Channel, where you can download games directly to your DSi. Very cool. The only downside is they took out the GBA slot, so if you have games that use it (like Guitar Hero On Tour), then you'll need your trusty DS lite. Personally, I don't really care about that part.

There will be two colors available at launch: Black and Blue. The blue is sort of a sky blue, which is cool. I'm not sure which one I like better. Naturally, there will be many colors available later on.

The DSi will cost $179 when it is released, which falls in line with the cost of the Japanese DSi, which was released a few months ago.

My hope is that there are loads of new games ready for download from the DS Shop on launch day. Then I'll definitely want to get one. If not, then I'll still probably want to get one. Just because I'm a rabid Nintendo fanboy. And there ain't nuttin' wrong wit dat.

For the official press release from Nintendo, click here. Also, you can go to NintendoDSi.com if you want to stay up to date on the DSi and its related announcements.

Happy President's Day!

Happy President's Day! Behold! Satoru Iwata! President of Nintendo! Click here to read the wikipedia entry. And now, I'm off to play games! Hoo-hah!

Currently Playing: CrossWorDS, Okami, Sonic Heroes

Florsh Gorm Frordee!

Since Valentine's Day is tomorrow, today on Flash Game Friday I'd like to show you a game that totally describes what love is all about.

Of course I mean shooting each other with arrows.

Pull back an arrow, decide on angle and trajectory, and let it fly! Then kill your opponent! Or don't! I don't care! But click here!

-benjamines

Currently Playing: CrossWorDS, DDR Hottest Party 2, Okami

Podracing! (Nothing to do with MP3s)

Way before podcasting was podracing. And some little kid was like the best one there. A 6-yr old was the winner. Which is crazy, cause I've been playing this podracing game for hours and I can't win very easily. So, the next game for N64 week is Star Wars Episode 1 Racer. It's an entire game based on the cool podracing scene in Star Wars Episode 1.

As far as racing games go, it's not too bad. You hop in a pod and race around. For an N64 game, it has really good graphics. The levels flow by really smoothly with very little slowdown. And it's fast. It doesn't seem quite as fast as F-Zero, but F-Zero is the ultimate in racing. Anyways, the pods are nicely rendered with interesting and active backgrounds to entertain the eyes.

Control-wise, it's not too bad. It's easy enough to pick up and win the first few races without much of a problem. The pod floats nicely side to side and around corners. There are a couple of problems, though. Really tight corners are difficult to get around without slowing down a whole lot. And of course, the computer players go around it just fine. Also, some levels require you to jump across large gaps, which tends to be problematic at times.

Anyways, let's talk about the difficulty. The initial races are easy enough to beat with no problem. But then the fun begins. To unlock a track, you only have get 4th or better in the race before it. That sounds easy enough, but some of the later tracks are difficult not to get last place in, so it can take a while to unlock everything.

As far as the music goes, the game actually features orchestrated music from the movie, which is nice. The weird thing is it only plays on the third lap. Which brings me to another point. Each track takes 3 laps to complete, which is normal. But each lap can take upwards of 2 or 3 minutes, so you could spend 7 or 8 minutes on some of the longer tracks. That's crazy. Maybe it's just because I've been playing Kirby Air Ride, whose laps can take like 30 seconds if you're quick enough. In any case, it seems a little long, but at least it's not like NASCAR (300 laps. In a circle. No kidding).

All in all, it's a pretty good game. Party-game-wise it seems a little hard to see everything that's on the screen, so it may not be the best multiplayer game, but it's not bad. I think that the later tracks are too hard, but that's just me. And I'm right.

Pros:

• Great sense of speed!
• Good graphics and music
• Lots of tracks and characters

Cons:

• A little too hard at times
• No music on the first two laps
• Opponent voice clips are repetitive

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased:

Shadow Man.. More like, "Bad? Oh, man!"

Here's a look at another bargain bin title for the N64. It's called Shadow Man, and it's loosely based on the comic book of the same name.

Shadow Man is the story of a guy who becomes some kind of creepy voodoo warrior. His mission is to retrieve a bunch of dark souls so the bad guy can't get a hold of them himself. Oh, and there's lots of creepy bayou undertones. And swearing. Oh, and zombie things that make same sound effect over and over again.

But before I rip this game to shreds, let's talk about the good things. Control-wise, it actually works very well. It is similar to Zelda games in that it's 3rd person and you can run, jump, and grap onto ledges. You also have a gun. That shoots some kind of soul-breaking beam.

The character animations are actually done fairly well. You can swing across ropes and edge along cliffsides. If you have your gun out when swimming, the character uses his only free hand. So it works quite well.

The actual graphics, however, are not so good, even for N64 times. They either tried too hard to make things look good or they didn't try hard enough. Either way, people are blocky and walls have pretty low-resolution textures. The main character looks like a wasp with that 10-inch waist of his.

Anyways, at first it seemed like a kind of dark, cool adventure. But it's very easy to get lost, which makes it very easy to lose interest. And very easy to stop having fun. And aren't games all about fun?! Yeah!!

As far as the actual platforming goes, it works quite well. It's easy enough to swim, jump, and run around. The one thing that I do hate is that if you touch lava, you instantly burst into flames and die. And then you have to start the level over. So, a guy who can control souls is a walking tinder box. Lovely.

In short, it's kind of a weird game, and one that would require quite a bit of patience to complete. Patience that I don't have at the moment. Besides, I paid like $2 for it, so I'm not real worried about finishing it. I got my $2 worth.

Pros:

• Nicely animated character models
• Good platforming controls
• Decent voice-acting

Cons:

• Easy to get lost
• A little too weird
• Instant lava death

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased:

Opposite of Dream Creatures

This week I'll be reviewing several N64 games that I have beaten on my way to my 50 by 4-19 goal. The first is a bargain bin title called Nightmare Creatures that I bought without knowing anything about the game, other than I remember the commercial back in 1997-ish with a voice-over by Maurice LaMarche, who does the voice of Brain on Pinky and the Brain.

Alright, so the game follows the story of the London fires of 1834 (history, anyone?). Apparently, some jerk named Adam Crowley found a secret recipe for a potion that would horribly deform and disfigure whatever drank it. Naturally, this is where werewolves come from. And giant leprous sewer rats. And other... creepy... things.

When you begin the game, you can choose to play the heavily clothed and bearded man, or the scantily clad woman (stereotypes, anyone?) Your job is to rid London of the monsters and track down the turd who started this mess. Actually, you don't actually have to kill everything. Unless you want to clear each level with 100%. It's up to you.

Most of the levels are very similar. You run around, kill monsters, hit switches, and make your way out. But it's not a totally monotonous game. Your player has several combos you can use, like spin moves, jump attacks, etc. These can do more damage and kill enemies quicker than by just mashing B the whole time.

There is also a nice weapon system that lets you combine guns and explosives with your attacks. For example, my personal favorite is the buzzsaw weapon. Basically it makes every take slice enemies to bits. Plus, each enemy can lose appendages and still live, so with the buzzsaw item you can hack off the arms and legs and heads of your zombie attackers. Schweet. In the first picture above, you can see me slicing trenchcoated zombies in half (gratuitous violence, anyone?).

Naturally, a platformer such as this has to have boss battles. For the most part, they work well. You hit a switch to shoot spikes at the guy, or throw dynamite at him. As you can see to the right, a civil war veteran is throwing large kitchen knives at me. How quaint. The problem is it seems like they didn't test the boss levels very well, because they can be extremely frustrating if you don't do it right. Plus, your character does not become invincible after you get hit, so you can get pummeled with no chance of recovery.

The game isn't overly lengthy, which is good because it gets pretty crazy towards the end. The last couple of levels are actually really hard, simply because there are so many enemies to kill. I prefer to run past them if I can, but even that can become difficult since they like to bust through windows and jump on your head unexpectedly.

All in all, it's a decent game for its time. The controls work well and the items add some excitement and hilarity to the already-neat zombie slaying. It's probably a little too difficult and frustrating for most people, but the first half of the game is quite fun.

Pros:

• Kill zombies and monsters with dynamite and saw blades!
• Learn made-up early-19th-Century British history!
• Chop things in half!

Cons:

• Too hard toward the end.
• Controls are a little funky sometimes.
• Enemy AI is all over the place

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased:

Flab Game Flyday!

Time to get fat, people! Just kidding!

I can't remember if we did this one already. Play it anyway!

Ride a bike! Get over the insane obstacles! Win the game! Click here!


-benjamines

Currently Playing: Samba de Amigo, CrossWorDS, Okami

Terrible Turdsday!

That's right, friends, it's time for a new weekly feature. Terrible Turdsday! I will share with you a game that is quite literally a turd crammed inside a cartridge. You'll NEVER guess what this week's...

BILL LAIMBEER'S COMBAT BASKETBALL!!! That's what it is. The biggest turd in the history of gaming. It is the Sultan of Suck. The King of Krap. The Worst. Game. Ever.

I have nothing against Bill Laimbeer. It's likely that he had nothing to do with this game at all, other than he got a big bag of money for having his name on the box. I think he'd probably be spinning in his high-back chair if he knew what kind of game was made.* Maybe that's what drove him to coach in the WNBA...

In any case, this game is terrible (or as Charles Barkley would say, trrible). In fact, if this game was called benjamines' combat basketball, I'd probably kill myself. As you can see, the shot at the right is blurry. I did that on purpose to save you from the nightmares that a high-resolution screenshot would inevitably induce.

Let's start with the pacing of the game. Imagine for a moment that you have a remote control that can slow down the planet and everything on it. Now imagine some thugs come and tie you to a chair, which they then tie to a big rock which they then throw into the ocean which then sinks. While you're sinking, they set the remote control to "Slowest Possible Speed Without Being Stopped" and then they break it. Now let 5 extremely slow minutes go by. NOW you know how fast this game is.

Let's talk about perspective. SNES games obviously don't have the hardware to do true 3D, but games like Looney Tunes B-Ball and NBA Jam (probably the two best B-Ball games ever) use a sideline perpective, like on the TV, so you can see most of the court and any time. Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball is a top-down game. So, you can see the top of people's heads. And the giant shoulder pads of the ridiculous robot suits they're wearing. Oh, and you can see the ball get bigger and then smaller when somebody shoots. Riveting.

As far as sound goes, I fortunately have been able to block out all the horrible 'music' and 'sounds' from my memory, so I can sleep at night. If anyone ever ties you to a chair and points a gun to your head and makes you play this game, you'd better go on and burst your eardrums. Trust me. It's for your own good.

All in all, it's a terrible game. Never play it. If you ever find a copy, do the world a favor and run over it with your car a few times. I swear to you, I had (slightly) more fun playing Barbie's Adventure for NES than I did 'playing' this 'game.' The game.com internet cartridge, which does not work and I have never used, is more fun than this. Honest!

Pros:

• Seriously?

Cons:

• Slow
  
• Stupid
  
• Lame
• Awful
• Stinky
• Repugnant
• Suicide Inducer
• Terrorism
• A yellow handbag
  

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased (and totally accurate):






This is the lowest score ever recieved on Blatant Bias. And it is well-deserved.

See ya next Turdsday!

* He's not dead. After this game, he might have wished he was, though.

Shake It Up!

Wario has been a mainstay of Nintendo gaming since his excellent debut in Super Mario Land 3 for Game Boy. In fact, there are now two Wario franchises: Wario Land and WarioWare, which are both totally different, but totally amazing series.

Last year, Nintendo released the latest of its Wario Land games, Wario Land Shake It! for Wii. You hold the Wii remote sideways, and if you give it a good jostle, Wario will punch the ground, shaking the level, which can trigger switches, set off bombs, and make enemies lose their balance.

The most notable trait of this game is the hand-drawn animation. Everything is very cartoony, and fluidly animated. It looks very nice, and helps add to the already absurd style of Wario games. Also, the controls are really good. If you pick up a dazed enemy or a bag of money, you can shake them (by shaking the Wii remote, of course) and see what comes out.

The game also features some anime-ish cutscenes to give the story a little more meat. Anime's not really my style, but it's always nice to see they put the extra effort to have things like that. Also, they have Wario in them, so they're automatically hilarious.

There are plenty of levels to play (nearly 30, I believe), and each one has its own hidden treasures to find and missions to complete. Some of the missions are easy, like shake garlic out of five enemies. Some of the missions are nearly impossible, like collect nearly every coin in the whole level, or complete the level without getting hurt once. Either way, the missions add lots of depth to an already fairly-deep game.

As we all know, the music in a game is extremely important. If the music sucks, it can tarnish the entire experience. Wario Land games have typically had really good music. This one... not quite as good. I'm not gonna say the music is terrible, because it's not. It just doesn't always fit the mood. Some level musics are better than others, but overall the music could have been better. It's certainly not a deal breaker, but it could have been better.

But that's really the only place where the game doesn't really shine. The levels are very well designed (some nice nods to the best Wario Land game ever), and there are some truly hilarious moments, especially in the boss fights. I've gotta say, these are some of the best boss fights of any Wario game (or any game for that matter) that I've ever played. Pure hilarity.

All in all, it's a great game, and one that Nintendo fanboys (such as myself) should add to their collection without question. Everyone else should become a Nintendo fanboy and then reread this paragraph.

Pros:

• Classic Wario Land action!
• Excellent level design
• Good controls

Cons:

• The music could have been better
• Some of the submarine levels are overly difficult
• Some of missions are near impossible

This game has earned a Blatantly Biased: