Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Well, Election Day is over and there are some interesting results. We are now an Obama-nation as Barack Insane Obama was elected. I don't really know why. In my mind, he was the Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball among presidential candidates. Additionally, Proposition 8 passed in California. To bring this rainbow of emotions to light, let's discuss some same-genre marriages of video games that didn't work out.

Shaquille O'Neal (Manly) + Kung Fu (Manly): Everyone knows that Shaq used to be the coolest player in the NBA. He was huge, he was tall, he was just plain manly. And Kung Fu has always been manly. I mean, come on, what could be manlier than ripping someone's heart out of their chest with your bare hand. But then... what happens when they combine?

Ok, so take the best parts of Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, and Clayfighter, and everything that's left over basically amounts to Shaq Fu. There aren't even any original characters. You have some weird Jack the Ripper-ish feller, and the rest are your garden variety fight game crew. Gaaaaaaaame of the year. Not.

Firefighters (Manly) + Explosions (Manly): So, there actually are Firefighting games that are fun and entertaining. I mean, seriously. Firefighters are just plain cool. And explosions? It pretty much doesn't get any manlier than that. And then there's The Ignition Factor.

This civil union of two manly styles makes for one classic(ly crappy) SNES game. It gives you the chance to see what it would be like to save people from a burning mannequin factory. I kid you not. There are people dying, but 90% of the silhouettes turn out to be plastic people. Homo. Sapiens. Made of plastic.

Barbie (Girly) + Fairies, Princesses, etc. (Girly): Girls have a right to have girly things. That's why McDonald's has their Barbie/Hot Wheels happy meals so every kid can be happy. If they want Barbies, that's fine. They can have their Hello Kitty. Disney Princess? Ok. But anytime you start adding girly to girly, it just makes a mess. Imagine planting a flower inside of another flower. Let me know how that turns out for you.

To be honest, most girl video games are just plain retarded (Julie Find A Way, anyone?) And the Barbie NES game (pictured) is probably tougher to beat than most games, purely because of poor design. But to be fair, there are some games that take one part girly and one part manly and it turns out great. Super Princess Peach, for example. One part girly (Princess Peach, girly to the max), and one part manly-platforming action, and POOF! Pure awesome. Most other girl games don't hold back on the sugar and spice. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaateway to depression, to be sure.

For the record, anything with Bratz in it automatically qualifies as gaaaaaaang violence and should not be used by anyone.

Donkey Kong (Manly) + Pest Control (Manly): As far as video game characters go, Donkey Kong is about as manly as they come. I mean, the guy wears a tie for goodness sake. And don't forget he can play the bongos better than any simian out there. But then, one day, he stumbled onto the territory of the Orkin man.

Donkey Kong 3 was much different than any other DK game. Instead of controlling Mario, you were a strapping young lad with a bug spray gun. Somehow, this is useful in keeping giant gorillas at bay. And... that's about all you do. Don't get me wrong, I love Donkey Kong games. Just not this one. Any game where you spray someone in the butt with harsh chemicals sounds pretty gay to me.

Basketball (Manly) + Robots (Manly): You all knew this was coming. A perfect example of why same-genre video game marriages don't work. And don't give me all this 'Every game is equal' crap. One look at Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball should turn every game straight. I don't even know why I have to explain it. It's like explaining why poop stinks.

For those unfamiliar (consider yourselves lucky), Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball involves extremely slow and clunky basketball action with extremely slow and clunky robot suits. Imagine trying to play tennis in six feet of snow, wearing an entire suit of medieval armor. That would be about 3 times faster and 12 times funner than this game. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaping wound on my brain.

For a finer look at these and other cream-of-the-crap games, go here. In the meantime, I'ma go wash the stink outta my nose.


Currently Playing: Worms 3D, Wii Fit, Smash Bros. Brawl


Devin said...

Amen to that, bro. I'm so glad Prop 8 passed. I'm kinda depressed that we have such a knob to be president, but whatever. And I think I'll have to add something to your list. Two letters: E T. ET? Awesome. Atari top scroller? Awesome. Rated by many to be the worst game evar. And then there's Wizardry...

Funluvinchick said...

Very amusing, Ben! I'll have to take your word for all of those games to not get them. Don't like the whole "gay game" thing one bit.